


I'm cold

by espepspes



Series: I'm 100% projecting on the poor sides help them [2]
Category: Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Also guess who suffers from dumb bitch syndrome, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I'm still projecting big time but this time I mixed in some of how my friends feel as well, Oops, This one is angst but it has a happy ending, because i wrote this like a week ago but diDN'T POST IT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21909307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/espepspes/pseuds/espepspes
Summary: Patton goes to therapy and deals with his major guilt complex.
Series: I'm 100% projecting on the poor sides help them [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1569442
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	I'm cold

**Author's Note:**

> Again this is not a completely accurate representation of a therapy session but it should be semi-close since yet again it's based on my own therapy experiences. I hope you enjoy!  
> TW: Guilt complex(obviously), Depression, the Implication of Lying(by Patton about Patton?), Possibly Suicide Idealisation? (Maybe? I don't know if it counts?), Implied past suicide of another person, and Swearing. If any of these can trigger you then you shouldn't read for your own safety.

_Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap._

Patton looked around the room rubbed his left arm, then continued tapping. When was he getting there? 

_Tap, tap, tap._

He really needed to talk today…

_Tap, tap, tap._

Then Emile opened the door, a smile on. “Do you how do, Patton?”

“Not the best this week Doc. I’ve had a few… revelations this week and I don’t like what they’re pointing too.” Patton looked to the doctor, an unsure expression painted on his face. “You’ve known me for a while, Emile, heck you’ve known me for 2 years. Do you think I could be a bad person?”

Emile looked mildly surprised at this question, “I don’t believe you are Patton, from what you’ve told me about yourself and what you like to do, you’re a rather kind figure.”

 _Tap, tap, tap._ “But… That’s what I’ve told you. You know what I’ve told you, what if I’ve been lying this whole time? What if I’ve been just a horrible person but warping that in my own head and saying I’m good?”

“What brought this line of inquiry on?”

“Well… I room with some people, right? And I was talking to one of them and they said that their first impression of me seemed so fake happy they didn’t think they could trust me.” _Tap, tap, tap._ Patton seemed unable to focus on anything but the words flowing from his mouth. “And then they found out I really was that happy, and cheerful and that’s when they started to like. Get to know me. But I’m _not_ happy all the time. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, and Dee doesn’t know I’m so numb, some days that all I can do is smile, or lie on my bed and stare. I’ve been lying to him and they don’t even realize it.” The blank look on his face didn’t subside and the numbness didn’t stop pooling in his gut. 

The therapist frowned at his words and spoke slowly. “Patton I don’t think that would be lying to them, they don’t need to know everything about you, it’s alright that you’ve kept that private.” 

_Tap._ “But none of them know Emile, and they’re my roommates. We’ve known each other for years, we’ve lived together for a year. I know that most of them go here, hell I know that most of them are mentally ill themselves.” _Tap._ The numbness increased but felt different and more prickly than normal. “I know most of their darkest secrets and they don’t know there are some days where I think it would be better if the earth swallowed me whole. Where I feel so fake that my body feels like literal wood.” _Tap._

His voice softened, “I don’t think I’m a good person Emile. I’ve been lying to them for 4 years and it’s not even the worst thing I’ve done.” The prickling was over his entire body and every breath felt borrowed. “I could have talked him down you know? I could have been a better friend, I **could** be a better friend now but I’m not. I’m still a liar who doesn’t listen, Who didn’t call in time.”

Picani could see that he needed to calm down before this conversation continued. “Patton I need you to tell me 5 things you see okay?”

“Stitch Plushie, Mulan Poster, Cat Pillow, You. The couch.” Were his eyes always this damp?

“Good job Patton. Now how about 4 things you can hear.” 

He breathed in. “You again, the white noise machine, my own voice, and…” He squished the cat pillow in his hands and it meowed. “The pillow.”

Emile smiled. “Very good, now 3 things you can touch.”

“The pillow, my cat hoodie, and the couch.” The gray couch was worn with use.

“Now 2 things you can smell?”

Patton closed his eyes and attempted to smell what was in the room. “Lavender? And the laundry detergent we use.”

“Alright one last thing Patton, can you taste anything.”

“Peppermint. Logan gave me a stick of gum before I left the car.”

Satisfied that Patton was at least grounded in the current moment and that he should be calm enough to talk about it without getting overwhelmed, Emile started to talk about what his patient said before. “Let’s address these issues now. So if you feel bad about not telling them about your depression despite them entrusting you as a confidant. Why don’t you tell them?”

“Why would they trust me anymore? At first, I didn’t tell any of them because I didn’t know them well, but over time they started to tell me things, and they told me how much they trusted me, and it never seemed like the right time.” He jazz-hands and puts on a smile, “Like they’ve told me so much and then randomly I tell them ‘Hey guess what guys! I’m super fucking numb and sad inside and use jokes to cover it up!’ Like. They’re going to be upset with me.”

“Wouldn’t they be more upset that you didn’t tell them?”

Patton was confused.“What?”

“Well think of it this way. In Steven Universe, Mindful Education, when Connie was upset, she showed Steven why she was upset even if it took some prompting and they helped her resolve that issue. But when Steven had issues he didn’t tell Connie them until it was forcibly resolved which put both of them in danger. Now, they resolved that issue, Connie wasn’t mad that Steven didn’t tell her, however, she was upset that he was holding that in and that they could have gotten hurt.” Emile pointed his pen at Patton and continued on, “Your situation isn’t that extreme, but we can draw some similarities. You need to tell your friends so they can support you, just like you’ve supported them. Like Connie, they’ve made that first step, but you need to reciprocate.”

He adjusted his glasses and looked up to his therapist.”But what if they get mad at me? I don’t know if I could handle that…”

“You need to take that chance, Patton.”

He remembered the own times he reflected that sentiment to his own friends. “It’s a leap of faith.”

“That’s all it is. But we’ve run out of time. You remember when your next appointment is?”

“Mhm. Thanks, Emile. I’ll see what I can do okay?” And with that Patton walked out, waving to Remy on his way. He entered the car and thought about how to tell everyone when he got home.

* * *

At the apartment, since it was Monday night it was movie night. Before they finished the setup, Patton decided to speak. “Hey, guys I’ve got something kinda important to tell you. I… I’ve been keeping a bit of a secret from you.” The rooms chatter went dead silent. “I… I have depression? And I- And I just, I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to distrust me because I didn’t tell you before and then maybe you’d think I was making it up?” Were his eyes wet? “But you probably hate me anyway because I haven’t told you till now and I'm sorr-” 

And a hand was on his shoulder. “Patton calm down. We don’t hate you.” Logan wiped a tear from his eyes. 

“Yeah, I can understand anxiety from not knowing how someone would react to something.” Virgil had a kind smile on.

Roman nodded and gave an awkward thumbs up, “You’re stuck with us now Padre.”

Dee gave a half-smile to Patton in an attempt to comfort. 

“MENTALLY ILL GANG FUCK YEAH!”

“Not the time Remus.”

* * *

i’m cold

and tired.

the world is hard

and my body aches,

i wish for reprieve,

for mercy,

because pains flow

and ebb through me.

i miss days

where i could

_breathe_

and dance,

and do anything

without wincing.

but i am

here,

on my bed,

**Author's Note:**

> And I'm back!!! and projecting Yet Again. Sorry, y'all.  
> I try to respond to comments so please do? Or kudos I know commenting is scary tbh.  
> also god this one feels so short. Maybe because it's so dialogue-heavy


End file.
